CPTSD

Some days I have amnesia. 23 years of blank memories and empty pages. I am scared. Scared shitless to open this wound. To remember it all. Because let’s be honest its ALOT. I think the human mind uses deep seated denial and selective amnesia to cope with things that would otherwise destroy us. 

Maybe that’s why when I TRY to recall an incident it’s near impossible. I even think I may be crazy or imagined things happening different than they had. But that is the abuse and the brainwashing. 

But hey it’s ok I don’t need to remember! Because the complex PTSD does it for me! Sudden flashes like a movie reel playing again and again in my minds eye. There’s times where suddenly I am back there I can feel her breath on my face,her hands gripped around my neck. Other times I hear things. Clear as day in my mind. I hear her shrill screams

I hear that I am selfish 

I am useless

I am a whore

I am a piece of shit who ruined my mothers life simply by being born.

Then I hear my husband. I feel the stroke of his hand on my hair. I feel his love. I feel my own divinity. How truly important I am to the magic of the cosmos. And I forgive her again. And I pretend she is dead again. And I remember I am safe I am free I am alive. If I made it through her hell then I can certainly make it through to heal.

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